amber_kay (amber_kay) wrote in need_for_speed,
amber_kay
amber_kay
need_for_speed



She's got the most uncomfortable couch in the world. It's one of those
couches with sink holes that seem to curve to your body, and if you
can get in just the right position it embraces you with its upholstery
and springs. It holds you all around and your skin crawls with
excitement like that moment when the center of your affections finally
touches you for the first time and you're acutely aware of every
contact point. It snuggles with you, but like most things it turns
bad. It doesn't take long until every muscle in your body screams back
at you with resentment and you look at the floor and wonder if that
would be a more comfortable place to sleep. But for some reason you
don't make the jump. You've committed to the couch. You wake up
repeatedly, feeling so unrested you'd swear you were never even asleep
if it weren't for the fact that you just woke up. I opened my eyes and
there she was, in my face, kneeled on the floor next to me nudging my
shoulder. I looked around and noticed it was still dark out. "I'm sure
you had a wonderful night sleeping upstairs in your king sized bed but
some of us went through hell last night so what the fuck do you want?"
I thought. But that wasn't what came out. I sat up and asked "What
time is it?"

"It's about 5:30. Get up and put your shoes on. Let's go"
"What?"
"Shhhhhhh,…. not so loud" she said. "I don't want to wake anybody up".

Anybody BUT ME she meant. I looked at her backwards ass clock and
tried to tell what time it really was. She said it keeps perfect time
you just need to learn how to read it. She gave me instructions last
night. I'm supposed to draw an imaginary line down the middle or
something like that, and then flip the hands in my head and that's
what time it is. I couldn't even see the clock. It was too dark. Why
are you waking me up when it's so fucking early I can't even see the
clock on the other side of the room? I hate you right now!

"C'mon, get up" she persisted.
"What for?"
"So we can go"
"Go for what?" I asked.
"Coffee", she replied.

Coffee? I don't need coffee, I need sleep. Leave me alone! I laid back
down and threw a blanket over my head. She nudged my shoulder some
more. Jesus woman, would you just let me be?

"WHAT?"
"C'mon let's go." She whispered, as if it would counter my volume.
"Where do you want to go?"
"To get some coffee" she said.
"So go get your coffee and let me sleep"
"No", she replied, "You need to come with me".
"Why? You don't need me for coffee"
"Just come with me" she demanded, "I promise you'll be glad you did."

It became evident that there was no escaping this woman. She's already
destroyed all chances of me getting anymore sleep. Fine. I'm a guest
here. I won't be rude. I'll join her for coffee. Maybe when we get
back and everyone is awake I can go take a nap in her bed and work
towards readjusting my spine. I threw the blanket back and sat up with
the enthusiasm of a pissed off teenager slamming a door. She walked
around the couch, grabbed my shoes, and dropped them in front of me.

"C'mon let's go" she said...again.
"I'm coming! Just give me a minute".

She plopped down on the couch next to me, pointed her toes up, rested
her elbows on her knees, and made the keys wrapped around her finger
jingle as she bounced and smiled.

"What are you so happy about?" I asked. Then my mind wandered into
unwholesome places. What if she wants me for something more than
coffee? She is waking me up before everyone else, trying to sneak out
the door with me, and she's way too fucking happy that I'm
cooperating. I can't think of any other reason why she'd be behaving
this way. No reason at all. I don't know if I'm up for this. I never
thought she'd do anything like this. It's just,… weird. I can do this.
I'll behave. It's just coffee. I waited for her reply.

"I like mornings" she said. I'm not buying it but, whatever. We left
the house and went out to the car. She got in and started it while I
stood at the passenger side door. Then she reached over and smiled at
me as she pulled the knob up to unlock the door and let me in. What
kind of person starts the car before they let the passenger in? And
why did she just look at me with that expression?

I got in and asked "So where are we going for coffee?"
"Plaid" she replied.
"Huh?"
"Plaid Pantry"
"Um,… OK,"

I looked at the clock in the car. It's 5:17. She lied.

We drove off and went a couple blocks to Plaid Pantry. She turned the
car off in the parking lot and got out. I sat dumbfounded. She leaned
one arm on the top of the car and popped her head in the driver's side
window, brushed a red curl behind her ear, and asked "You are a coffee
person, aren't you?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I don't know how you like your coffee. You'll have to come in
and make it yourself."

We got our coffees and went back to the car. She put the car in
reverse and revved the engine but we didn't move. "Fuck" She mumbled.
She changed gears; we rolled forward about two inches, then moved
backwards through the driveway and faced the street. She flipped on
the turn signal, which was not pointing in the direction we just came
from.

"Are we going back to the house now?" I asked.
"Yeah" she said with an expression common to deceitful and naughty intentions.

We pulled out of the driveway and started down the road in the
opposite direction. So I was right. This isn't just coffee. It's
obvious now. I went over last night trying to figure out what I had
done or said that would have matched her interest. She's never
expressed any desire in me before. But then again I've never been
alone with her either. I wonder where we're going. I hope it's not
someplace cold. I don't do well in the cold.

"But isn't the house back that way?"
"That's one of the options" she said.
"So where are we going? Are we going back?"
"We're going back, but we're taking my route."

I started worrying about how awkward the ride back is going to be when
this is all over. We crossed a river. There are only so many bridges.
How far are we going to go before we cross it again to get back? I
watched the road come and go out of the range of the headlights and
sipped my coffee. I couldn't be any more awake right now. Coffee is
completely unnecessary. We rode along in silence for what seemed like
an eternity but was probably only about 5 minutes. She spoke.

"There's a CD in the glove box that says Burnside on it. Would you get
it out for me?"

I handed it to her, she put it in, and there was finally noise.
Wonderful, distracting noise. I relaxed for a moment and just listened
to the music. Then I heard the words,…

Nobody loves me
It's true
Not like you do

Why did she pick this CD? Is she trying to tell me something? She
looked at me and said "You look tense. Is something wrong?"
I searched for an out. "This seat is kinda weird. This part sticks out
and it's pushing into my sides. It's not bad, it's just so hard. It
takes some getting used to".
"Yeah I know" she said with a grin. "Mines adjustable so I can squeeze
the bolsters in even further".

We continued down the road without speaking. I cradled my coffee cup
in both hands and sipped at it repeatedly. I need a cigarette.

"Can I smoke in here?" I knew I could, but it's polite to ask first anyways.
"Sure"

I hit the button to roll my window down but it didn't move. I looked
at her, she flipped a switch, and I rolled down my window. I have
power over the window! Not authority, but power. At least it's
something. At this moment it's the only thing I can control. The road
ran parallel to the river, which was mostly lined with trees but had
occasional breaks. Woosh, woosh, woosh,………The trees broke. Quiet.
Woosh, woosh, woosh, woosh,… more trees. I saw a sign that read "END
35MPH SPEED ZONE". What does that mean? How fast is it now? She
changed gears and we went faster. I saw a 35mph corner sign and looked
at how fast she was going. 60! In the middle of the corner she
casually looked at me, not the road, me, then my cigarette, and asked
"Can I have one of those?" I handed her a cigarette and she held it up
and looked at it like it was some sort of alien object.

"I don't have a lighter" she said.

You're always supposed to light a ladies cigarette. I've done it
hundreds of times. I don't know why I didn't this time. I guess I've
always looked at her differently. She's like one of the guys. I never
needed to impress her. I never felt any tension around her before. Not
until now. I need to stop acting like this. I snatched the cigarette
from her hand, lit it myself, and presented it in front of her. Her
hand touched mine as she took the cigarette without even glancing at
me. My eyes fell to the seatbelt crossing her chest. Her breasts
bounced as she made a tight little swerve. She looked at me. I think
she caught me.

"Potholes can mean death if you don't know where they are".
"Yeah" I replied with a nod.

Is that the best I can do? Is that all I have to say for myself? Yeah?
I'm not going to beat myself up. No concrete obligation has been put
on me, yet. I'm gonna be casual. I'm gonna be cool. I'm not gonna
sweat it. I tried to relax and listen to the music.

She shifted again. The engine roared and the car slowed with its
increasing volume. Is this the spot? We turned a corner and I saw a
35mph speed limit sign. I looked at her speedometer and it read about
38mph. I tossed my cigarette out the window and hit the button to roll
the window back up. She rolled it back down. I looked at her and she
snickered as she rolled it back up again. She's taken my window power
from me! How can she do that to me? I need to control my window. I
rolled it back down a couple inches. She rolled it back up, then
returned it to the position I set it at as she giggled. The road came
to a Y and she signaled to go right. I already want another cigarette.

"Have you ever had a rear wheel drive car?" she asked, out of nowhere.
"No, I don't think so. Have you?"
"No, but I've always wanted one."

She pointed to the right into the trees and said "I think about it
every time I see that RX7." Half a second later we go around a bend
and there's a red car with a FOR SALE sign parked on the right side of
the road. A dirty, old, tired looking thing. I don't know why she'd
want it. But then again, I don't see what she thinks is so great about
this ugly little red and yellow car. Every bump makes me feel like my
eye balls are going to rattle out of their sockets. It must need
shocks.

We hit a straight stretch and she accelerates. She shifts and we
accelerate more. There's a flashing red light at the intersection up
ahead. She keeps going. Is she going to blow through the intersection?
There isn't enough space left to stop. The right blinker comes on and
she shifts again. I can see now that the lane curves to the right with
a yield sign, so we won't be running a stop sign. But we're going
faster and faster towards it. Too fast to make the corner. She shifts
again and goes faster. She's going to kill us!

I pulled my seatbelt tight across my body. I gave it an extra yank to
be sure it would lock. It didn't. I looked at the dash in front of me
and saw no indication of an airbag. So this is how I'm going to go.
Why did I ever get in this car with her? Why did I even get off the
couch? I know why,... but this isn't worth dieing for. What are they
going to say when the ambulance arrives and they're pulling our bodies
out of the vehicle? What are our families going to think about us
being in this car together? I wish I could turn back but I can't. It's
like that moment when the rollercoaster starts pulling you up the
hill. You've surrendered to it. There's no stopping it once it starts.
I'm stuck here. We hit the corner. The tires squeal. My life flashes
before my eyes,….

The car straightens out and she slows down. I didn't die! I can't
believe it! She turns the stereo up and casually nods her head a bit
to the music. I start digging frantically in my pockets. "You need
another cigarette already?" I put a cigarette in my mouth and tried to
hold my hand steady enough to get the flame of the lighter to touch
the tip. "I guess you do."

Don't demand conversation from me right now. Just give me a moment to
gather myself. I rolled the window down. Please don't fuck with my
window this time. She didn't. I focused on looking cool and relaxed.
Not scared. The worst is over and I lived through it.

"You OK?" she asked.
"Yeah"
"I hope I didn't scare you"
"Nah, you're cool".

We cruised down the road at a comfortable pace. 'Nah, you're cool'….
What the hell was I thinking? Cue flashbacks of that elementary school
asshole punching me and asking "Does this hurt?" And how did I
respond,… I told him "No". I wanted to be cool. I wanted to be tough.
I wanted to seem immune to his bully tactics. But all my answer did
was prompt him to hit me harder. Everything I know about life I
learned from,… well, apparently I didn't learn what I was supposed to.
Or maybe she's just knocked me back into a juvenile state by almost
killing me.

I was doing OK until she shifted again and the car got louder. I
looked ahead and there was a 25 MPH corner sign. The road seemed to
disappear in front of us and the only visible outlet was a gravel path
that ran across the front of someone's house. She shifted again and we
went faster towards it. I looked at how fast she was going,….45!
That's almost double what the sign said! We passed the gravel road.
Thank God we're not going there! We curved to the right and the
headlights illuminated a left corner. So this is the 25mph corner.
She's going to do it again, just like the bully. I grabbed the sides
of my seat and prepared to cover my head with my arms the second we
loose control. That's what you're supposed to do in a car accident,
right? I tried to focus on the road to know exactly when that critical
point would occur. But out of the corner of my eye I caught her
looking at me and felt my body lunge forward as she slammed on the
brakes. We slowed down and drove around the corner.

I got caught. That's it,….. She knows. She knows I'm a pussy. She
knows I'm terrified. What is she gonna think of me now?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" she said.
"I'm not scared." I lied.
"Good. But if I do scare you just say so and I'll slow down."
"OK."
"You don't have to worry. I've driven this road hundreds of times. I
can do it twice as fast with both eyes tied behind my back."
"Don't you mean both hands?" I asked.
"No silly, I need those to steer. There are a lot of corners out here.
We haven't even hit the good ones yet."

Oh great. What's a good corner?

"This one coming up is a good one" she said, as if she were reading my mind.
We're on a bridge. Not a bridge that would bring us back over that
first river. A smaller bridge over a smaller body of water. The road
curved to the left after the bridge, but it didn't look like that
sharp of a corner. I wasn't too worried about this harmless looking
little thing. She looked at me. I looked back at her with an air of
confidence. "That's not the corner I was talking about" she said as we
rolled through the bend. I looked ahead and saw a yellow sign with a
black arrow making a perfect U and a 10mph sign below it. That must be
the corner. My expression lost its confidence.
"If you're a little nervous just watch what I'm doing instead of
watching the road. If I look scared you can worry, otherwise just
enjoy the ride". She told me.
"What are the odds of you looking scared?" I asked.
"I'd say a hair less than the odds of a deer jumping in front me."
"So what are the odds of a deer jumping in front of you?"
"Shhhhhhhh....." she said as she shifted and our speed increased.

I looked at her and her expression changed. There was nothing of
nervousness visible. She sank a bit in her position, pushed her torso
back into the seat and gave a little wiggle as if testing the
boundaries of her adjustable bolsters. She stared through the
windshield with a look of such intensity it gave me chills. I tried to
watch her feet but they moved so much I couldn't figure out what was
going on. My eyes moved to her hand on the shifter. She grabbed it
with brutal force and yanked it up and down to move through the gears.
I heard the tires screeching and forgot my advice to not look. My eyes
were drawn to the road. We were heading into a right corner but she
had pointed the car away from it instead of into it! I gasped what may
very well have been my last breath. The tires squealed as the car slid
right, then jerked left,...... then straightened out. We slowed down
and once again she caught me in my petrified state.
"You looked at the road, didn't you?"
She was on to me. At this point I think a humble admission is the only
thing that will work.
"Yeah," I shamefully confessed.
"Did you look at me at all or did you watch the road the whole time?"
I knew it was coming,.....
"I watched you through part of it, but then I saw the road and it just
kinda sucked me in."
"Yeah," she replied "These roads up here will do that to you.

We continued down this middle of nowhere road. I haven't seen a single
other car out here yet. The sun was starting to come up and
occasionally we would be riding along on the side of a cliff where I
could look down into a tree lined valley. Odd how rolling along 3 feet
from a drop off used to be terrifying but now it's the pleasant part.
The branches shimmered from the drops of morning dew and the patches
of fog in the distance looked like cotton balls floating in the air.
All of it tinted with that distinct blue that only appears at dawn.
I'm not one to appreciate such things but it really was beautiful out
there. I was finally relaxed, having a pleasant time, enjoying the
scenery. I wasn't paying attention to the road or her driving when I
heard it again. It crept up on me like some sort of silent predator. A
ferocious roar of the engine shattered my peaceful moment. My eyes
strayed through the windshield as I watched the trees ahead come
rushing towards me. A blur of forest greens and browns smeared across
my view as I felt my body being thrown against the side of my seat and
locked in place by two straps of fabric. It came fast and hard, and
then it was over. My chest was throbbing. I pulled my hands inside the
sleeves of my shirt so she wouldn't notice me shaking. A nervous
breath escaped my lips and caught her attention. "What?"
"Nothing" I replied. She had somehow managed to coax me into her lair,
strap me in, hold me captive and then jack me full of dopamines. A
sudden warmth swelled in my pants and I threw my sleeves in my lap to
cover any potential evidence of it. Where did that come from? Without
my knowledge or consent she had managed to suck me into a submissive
role. I don't know if my reaction to this moment is normal or if it's
just me, but for right now she owns me. I wonder if she even knows
what she's done to me. I wonder if she's done it to other people. I
wonder what it feels like from the left side of the car.

I've been chain smoking for awhile now. She broke a long silence by
asking me for another cigarette and this time I remembered to light it
before I handed it to her. "This one coming up is my favorite" she
said. "We're gonna get slideways. There's gonna be a lot of noise and
you'll probably smell the tires. But don't worry. I know what I'm
doing. This would be a good time to watch me instead of the road." I
didn't reply. I stared straight at her. She looked back at me and
giggled. "Not this one. We're getting close but we've still got a few
more to go." I fully understood what she was saying but continued to
stare at her anyways. She didn't exactly pretty herself up for this
event. Remnants of yesterday's lipstick lingered on her lips and
failed to cover a scar on her bottom lip. I wanted to ask her how she
got it but I didn't. She smelled like wax and apples. She didn't
notice me staring at her.

"It's right after this one" she said. "Don't look at the road". I
continued to watch her. Her hand worked the shifter like a prostitute
earning $10 while sitting next to you in a theatre. She sank in her
seat again and peered through the windshield with an expression of
pure lust. She all the sudden looked like a different person. Her face
pointed down and her blue/grey eyes scanned the road in front of her.
The corners of her mouth turned up in an almost evil looking grin. I
watched her left hand reach over to the lower right side of the
steering wheel and she yanked it all the way back around. Her lips
parted as I felt my body being thrusted against the bulge on the right
side of the seat. I watched the steering wheel spin under her left
hand until her fingers caught the desired grasp of the Momo wheel. The
tires screamed with a volume that drowned out the stereo. Her bottom
lip fell captive to her teeth as she cranked the steering wheel to the
right and threw my body into the other side of my seat. The car went
straight. The motor quieted. Our pace slowed. When I remembered to
breathe the scent of burnt rubber drifted in our open windows just
like she said. She returned my gaze. "Were you scared that time?"

I had to think about it for a minute. She had mesmerized me to the
point that I didn't even notice how hard my heart was pounding in my
chest. I've never seen the act of driving a car look so sensual. She's
clearly getting something out of it that I've never experienced
before. I've also never seen her look as sultry as she did when I
watched her index finger gently glide across the 5 speed indents on
the gear shift knob. Her unpainted fingernail penetrated the line that
ran across the middle of all gears and ended at a 90 degree angle that
pointed to the R. The consequences of these actions were so severe,
and yet her techniques instilled in me a sense of faith. I've never
felt so vulnerable with all my clothes on. Unlike my adrenaline, my
fear was subsiding with every crank of the wheel and every scream of
the tires. I had submitted my existence to her. I let her hold my life
in her hands, and I can't remember the last time I felt this alive.
Just being her passenger felt adulterous. The sincerity of my response
was a shock to even me,..... "No."

We crossed yet another bridge and started climbing up a sharp incline.
She grabbed the pole at the bottom of the shifter in a death grip and
then yanked it back towards her as if pulling back on it harder would
cause the vehicle to behave more aggressively. My mind flashed back to
all those PS2 games I've played and I envisioned in my head the ideal
line that I would follow if I were living out a real life video game.
I watched the road ahead and our movement across it with an analytical
fascination. She stayed with the lines of the road, where I would have
tapped the e brake button right before the corner and made the car
slide out, and then hit the gas button to pull it straight and keep
going. She didn't move the same way that I would have. Just before we
hit the corner she steered into the oncoming lane and then I heard the
tires squeal again. She left her black rubber signature on the
concrete as the car left the other lane and drifted back into ours
while moving forward at the same time. I remember doing this before I
got the good cars. She's playing the same game but she's doing it with
one of those slower cars! It held the value of an epiphany when I
decided to stop looking at this experience as a death threat and
started recognizing it for what I'm pretty sure it really is. This is
a joy ride. It doesn't take a genius to look at her and see that
that's what it is for her.

After we crested the hill she released her grasp and moved her hand up
to the gear shift knob where it rested in the palm of her hand with
her fingers gently dangling off the edge. She pushed the knob forward
with the base of her palm, and then coaxed it back towards her with
the tips of her three middle fingers. Barely a moment passed before we
began our spiraling downhill descent and she activated the beast in
her hands again. I was caught up in the moment. Or rather, the moment
had me. I was trapped in it. All twisted and tangled. It wrapped
around me like a vise and refused to let me go. Its tentacles spiraled
around me and its talons locked me in. Its boundaries were marked by
two white lines with a dash of yellow in the middle, and every degree
to the left of the yellow made the intensity jump like I was climbing
up the Richter scale of mountain racing. It wasn't just any moment; it
was 'that moment'. The mind blowing moment when your senses come alive
like nothing you've ever known. There's a yearning in your body for
more, almost a necessity. Like that moment right before climax. That
moment you wish you could hold on to and keep forever and never let
go, but before you know it it's over. A fabulous explosion of
gratification. But she wouldn't let me get that far. She'd bring me to
that moment, hold me there, and then let me back down as the squealing
stopped and the car slowed through another straight stretch. She was
teasing me in a torturous way. Well, it felt like she was anyways. I
don't know if she was doing it on purpose. But if she was, she was
succeeding.

The corners seemed to get closer and closer together, and my
anticipation replaced the anxiety that used to consume the time spent
covering straight stretches. All the sudden I was pressed against my
seat again and looked out the windshield to watch the world spinning
around me. The alarm of it all made my mind race with the image of
that elusive deer flying over the hood. Next thing I know we're going
the opposite direction down the same road. "Sorry, I just gotta go
back for that one." I saw the corner sign ahead and knew exactly what
she meant. We rushed towards it until I felt my body restrained by the
seatbelt as she hit the brakes, and then thrown back as she let off
them. She whipped the car to the right a little, then yanked it to the
left as the car started to slide. We were pointing at the trees in
front of us in the middle of the corner but the car was moving
parallel to the straight stretch of road after the corner. The car
jerked a little and then we were traveling straight down the road. "I
like that one" she said. She steered into the opposing lane then
swerved back out and this time I caught her pulling up on the parking
brake as the car spun around again, just like it had a moment ago. We
were traveling back in the same direction as before. She went through
the same procedure as we slid thru the same corner on the other side
of the road. At that moment I realized what we had just done. My heart
was racing. My breathing had quickened. I felt a physical sensation
that was similar to panic but this time I wasn't scared. And this time
I was looking at the road and not her. I was excited. I was actually
getting a body high from this ride she was taking me on.

"You doing ok?" she asked.
The word "yes" made its way out of my mouth somewhere in the middle of
some giggling that I didn't understand. I was submersed in a sensation
that I could only compare to afterglow. We continued down the road,
screeching and sliding. I found my attention moving less to her and
more to the road. I was getting excited rather than scared when I saw
the low speed corner signs. The smell of smoking tires was imprinting
on my brain something that I knew from this point on in my life would
stir up a feeling of euphoria. I wondered if I could do this in my
car. I wondered if it would be inappropriate for me to ask to go for a
ride with her again in the future. I mean, in spite of the level of
excitement we are sharing in this process there is really nothing
unwholesome about our actions. I could tell from her unintentional
expressions that she was getting even more out of it than I was. I
need to learn how to do this so I can be the driver. I want to feel
what she is feeling.

We hit a stop sign when our road came to an end at a T. She turned
right and came to another stop sign in front of the all too familiar
lanes of Highway 26. She turned down the highway. I have no clue how
we got here but I know where I am now. "Are we on our way back to your
place now?" I asked.
"Ya" she replied.
"Do we have to take the highway? Can't we just go back the same way we came?"

She laughed as she pulled over to the side of the road and turned
around. She looked at me as we stopped and waited for traffic to move
and laughed at me some more. I honestly don't get it but she's
starting to make me feel self conscience.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"You just got infected."


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